"Riding in the Car with Strangers" Anxiety

     For those of you who know me, riding in the car with strangers (better known as my "RITCS Anxiety"--Riding in the Car with Strangers Anxiety) is not one of my favorite extracurricular activities.  Now, before you frown up your face and do the passive sigh or eye roll of indignation, please note that this is a retelling of my triumph of, victory over, or change from this old behavior.  I don't know why the thought--or Lord forbid, the actual event of having to transport or ride along with unfamiliar people made me so uncomfortable until now.  Before, I would have responded with what justified as me being overly conscientious of others, caring too much about pleasing the other person, or wanting to ensure that everyone was comfortable because after all, you didn't want to be "that" person who talked too much or didn't talk enough, played the music too loud or not loud enough, or was too cautious of a driver or not enough.  And let's not even talk about the awkward possibility of just having silence!!!  Now, I could enjoy music or silence without an issue, talking or just sitting without protest, but what if the other person was not??  I would hate to make anyone feel uncomfortable or put in a situation where expressing their personal preferences would be incommodious.  Silly-sounding to most, but to me, it was not.  I was so convinced that my reasoning behind such an anxiety was about the other person, that I never considered that the true underlying reason was really about myself.  I was not comfortable with myself--not the socially awkward type of discomfort, but rather the sense of self type of comfort.  My lack of self-confidence in things so small as my own ability to hold a decent intelligent conversation to expressing my own preferences with the possibility of someone else disagreeing with them, clearly demonstrated that Monique was not truly comfortable or confident in Monique.  This anxiety had nothing to do with strangers or the possibility of having nothing to talk about or being seen as incompetent in driving or stimulating conversation.  It was about me being okay with such possibilities, while recognizing, knowing and owning who I was to myself.  Whether I enjoy silence, driving recklessly, or discussing non-world changing matters such as the number of funny faces my daughter can make in one minute, is a representation of who I am and since I can only be me, I must be the best me possible and perform such with great confidence.  

 

Needless to say, my time in India has not only forced me to meet, discuss and engage with complete strangers by myself, but has also forced me to do so with the moments of silence.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I was absolutely conscious of the notion that this would most likely be something of the norm during my time in India.  Therefore, while I came expecting and anticipating, God had already prepared and was simply waiting on me.  I have not only felt completely comfortable in such situations including the "oh-so-dreaded" moments of silence, but the source of my RITCS Anxiety was also made evident to me.  I recognize that many of us struggle with self-confidence issues, but it wasn't until now that I realized how such struggles become apparent even in some of the smallest, most meaningless or simplest life activities.  How much we miss out on life because of our own self issues?!  I have had some of the best conversations and met some of the most inspiring and encouraging people and had I been anywhere else at any other time before coming to India, I would have possibly missed out on the creation of memories that I will never forget.